COMMENTARY: JOHN KELSO
Looks like it’s time for the Horns to suit up – in prison khakis
Sunday, August 05, 2007
They say you can’t tell the players without a scorecard. With the Texas football team, rewrite that to say you can’t tell the players without a rap sheet.
It’s looking like who will be starting this year in the Texas lineup will depend on who’s been in a lineup at the Austin Police Department.
Even for a season-ticket holder like me, it’s hard to keep up with ‘em all.
Let’s see: Andre Jones, who was suspended from the team Friday, is the 6-foot-5, 295-pound freshman defensive tackle and Parade All-American who is charged with aggravated robbery with a deadly weapon, a first-degree felony, in connection with an armed robbery in a Southeast Austin apartment. Henry Melton is the sophomore defensive end who was charged in June with driving while intoxicated on Sixth Street. Sergio Kindle is the sophomore linebacker who was charged a week ago Saturday with DWI on South First Street.
And that’s just some of ‘em. Eight current or former Texas football players have been arrested since the Horns won the national championship against the University of Southern California in the 2006 Rose Bowl. I can’t keep ‘em all straight. Which is the problem Mack Brown is facing. He can’t keep ‘em all straight, either.
The Horns don’t need a defensive coordinator. They need a defense attorney.
The key to Texas football success this year? It’s how many players can run well in orange jumpsuits and ankle bracelets. Make that burnt orange jumpsuits.
What’s the matter with these UT knuckleheads anyway? Are they trying to out-Miami Miami? Don’t they realize they’ve been given the chance to go to college? They take this golden educational egg, and they fumble it on the 1-yard line.
This team has had so many arrests, I’m starting to think that instead of playing “The Eyes of Texas,” the Longhorn band should break out with Sam Cooke’s “Chain Gang,” as in “that’s the sound of the men working on the chain ga-a-ang.”
Man, it’s going to be hard to figure out the point spread on the Longhorns from week to week. It’ll depend on who’s out on bail. Instead of the coaches, I hear this year, the team probation officers will lead the Longhorns out onto the field.
And how about those new striped uniforms for home games?
Still, the Longhorns remain a team of honor. As in, “Yes, your honor” and “No, your honor.”
I mean, this has gotten so bad that the refs might not use a real coin during the coin toss for fear that one of the UT players will steal it.
The one that really gets me is Jones. Court affidavits say that a witness said that during the apartment robbery Jones acted like he had a gun in his waistband.
They also say Jones and former Longhorn freshman Robert Joseph, aka N.O., as in New Orleans, stole cash, cell phones, a laptop and video game systems.
Tip to incoming freshman football players: Don’t hang out with dudes who are nicknamed after cities. Unless it’s Spokane.
Sounds to me like this season instead of going for two, some of the Longhorns maybe be going for two-to-10.